Women with Families: Your Opinion vs. Our Opinion

I really don't have anything to disclaim with this blog post I'm about to write. I saw my friend post a link to a blog article that was called "I Look Down On Young Women With Husbands And Kids And I’m Not Sorry," by a woman named Amy Glass. This is my response to her point of view.

She begins her article with this incredibly crass title that's rude and demeaning to women who have decided to live their lives differently from her. Alright Ms. Glass, we definitely understand that you have your own opinion and you're most sincerely okay for having it. But here's the difference. A majority of the women who do have husbands and children at a young age have the maturity and class to not condemn people like you through a huge social media such as blogging. Most of the times they're the one's thinking of others and not just themselves and sharing information with each other about tips on how to help their children grow, or how to create a great family dynamic within their households. So to get down to it.....they aren't being selfish and are striving to add value to their lives and not spend an hour writing a blog post about how they find single women who go on escapades to Asia or try to gain "real accomplishments" that are just selfish antics to try to feel equal to men because you have a psychological need to stick it to men just because you have a vagina and not a penis (sorry if that sounds crude, but that's really what it is).

Your "accomplishments" and our "accomplishments" differ from one another. Yours is no better than ours. It is hard to manage a household. Please try to create a monthly budget, help your spouse find his keys and ask him to not mix the whites with the blues (because there are PLENTY of men who help do the laundry like mine does), and keep your child from sticking their finger in the electrical socket because they somehow managed to take out the safety plug all at the same time. And this is not even to mention that this is just your home life APART from your regular day job....

To quote the article The New Stay-at-Home Mom on parenting.com by Charlotte Latvala:

"There are 10.1 million women-owned businesses in the United States, says the Center for Women's Business Research. No firm statistics exist on how many are run by stay-at-home moms, but it stands to reason that the percentage is increasing in the Wi-Fi age. "Over 90 percent of the moms we've interviewed said the desire for family flexibility is the number-one reason they work from home," says Ellen Parlapiano, co-founder of mompreneursonline.com. "Another big change we've seen in the past 15 years is acceptance. In the past, moms have been reluctant to tell clients they work from home. Now it's commonplace, even respectable." Mom-owned businesses, which used to be heavy on arts and crafts, now run the professional gamut, says Parlapiano: Web design, attorney, marketing guru, social media coaching, you name it."

 

So it seems like your perception of what moms and wives are in this day in age only comes from your narrow scope of what you see in your daily life. There are plenty of women who are not only juggling work, but a family life as well. Instead of demonizing a lifestyle choice simply because it isn't your own, maybe you need to begin to research into how much hard work it can be. Of course learning new things or going on fantastic adventures is a wonderful way to live your life and no one is saying it's wrong, but there are more intrinsic goals that other women have that just might not be similar to a path you would choose. Keep an open mind. 



To Love Ourselves First Before We Can Love Others

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of my first posts on this blog was a few years back when I really didn't have any determined drive to keep a consistent blog. As I've gotten older, I've grown to see that making a conscious effort in spreading wisdom is a noble thing to do....albeit one that's a little difficult since there are so many different people voicing their own definition of wise.

 

Truth be told...I'm not even sure that mine is always correct, but I try to keep as open as a perspective as I can and go from that point.

 

This piece is about the very overstated cliché phrase that "Before you can love others, you must first love yourself." How many people have only heard this as an adult from your friends who are consoling you after a particularly bad break up? I know I have. And then it hit me. Why didn't we hear this as children? Well the fact is that we may have heard this said differently, or that the adults in our lives as kids felt that the word love shouldn't be mentioned. Yet they knew how it was to be young and experiencing multiple emotions through those particularly crazy hormonal years. Maybe once you hit a certain age, you really forget what it's like to be a kid like they say in Peter Pan.

 

As adults, we yearn for connection in different ways. Mark Manson has mentioned in a few of his scintillating pieces about how men and women think and act based upon their psychological and emotional needs respective to their gender. But I'm going to go further back and maybe point a finger at a different culprit. I'm going to point it at how society has shaped how teenager's date in today's age. I'm sure you remember your first crush. Probably as a young kid and you may have chased each other around the playground and teased each other, pretending you didn't like each other when you really did. Then this evolved into your first girlfriend/boyfriend a few years later. You giggled at the lunch table, held hands and snuck a kiss before class, passed notes....this sounds really cheesy and probably pretty tame I know....but it felt innocent and fun. What wasn't realized at the time was the devastation caused by the first break up would lead to one's first desensitization to what was being done to the heart. 

 

*Now I'll intercede here and say that I know I may get some hate for portraying the heart as a feeling organ and I'm misconstruing the scientific properties of how emotions are created, etcetera. Basically that I am confusing science for mysticism or some religious idealistic nonsense. Of course people are entitled to their opinion, but as no concrete factual evidence has been revealed explaining how human beings can develop this emotion and let it affect them the way it does, I'm sticking to my guns that there is a reason for these emotions more than what the evolutionists will believe.*

 

Society tells three big lies to adolescents about dating:

1. You know what you're looking for when looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend.

     2.  Meaningful and non-sexual relationships aren't cool. You only live once.

 

and 3. If you're single, no one wants you.

 

How is it okay to tell a generation this? Especially of young kids. I didn't even have an inkling of who I was or what I wanted or what I even knew at that age. Even during college I was still discovering what made me....me. And I think every adult can testify that we hit obstacles and walls every single day in some way and feel lost, especially involving relationships. Can that be because we didn't understand the concept from day 1?

How can I possibly know what I'm looking for in a guy/girl if I didn't even know what made me happy?

Why is having a meaningful relationship based off of only friendship and no lust involved uncool?

And why does being single have ANYTHING to do with someone wanting me? Why do I need someone to want me for that matter?

 

These are the questions teens need to be asking themselves. And here are a few answers.

1. You don't know what you're looking for, simply because you shouldn't even be looking. I know that this sounds like something strict parents tell their kids, but it's the truth. Each year will bring new adventures, new likes and dislikes, and new people into your life. You'll grow, make mistakes, discover, and do a complete 180 from what you were the day before. Adulthood is a lot like a rollercoaster or an epiphany....something will shift within you. When you rush into a relationship, oftentimes you'll find yourself with someone that isn't right for you.
2. Meaningful relationships that don't have sex or physical intimacy in it is NOT a bad thing at all. Don't feel peer pressured by your friends to have to do this. Now while peer pressure is a natural part of being involved with kids your age, try something like changing the topic very subtly. It's none of their business what's going on in your relationship if you decide to be in one. Having intimacy is a very big deal, despite how nonchalant society attempts to treat that subject. It takes a piece of you each time you give some of yourself away to another person. That's how you become distrusting and angry towards the opposite sex after being hurt so many times. So it's okay to be a virgin. Don't let anyone tell you different.
3. This is the big one, because it deals with self-esteem. Problems with self- esteem most often leads to the decisions that alter our heart. You being single has nothing to do with your desirability. If you feel like it does and that matters to you, then this is where the title becomes involved. You have to love yourself before you can ever bring someone else into your life to love. It seems so unoriginal, but when you evaluate the truth of it then you can see how it makes sense. Find the things that make you happy. Dress the way you want, listen to the music you want, go on the travels you want....and one day you'll find someone falling in sync with the movements you make. And they'll never want to leave.

Now these statements are definitely geared towards teenagers, but adults too can find something within it as well because it's difficult to remember to follow along the same lines when we have the freedom to make our own choices without certain parameters. However, because many of the people my age still dealt with the same issues above, we can still learn from it. It's even harder for us because we think now we know what we want or how to go about things, but we may not. Sometimes it's even worse for us adults because the older we get, the more our biological clock starts ticking in our ears and we want a family. We feel like we must fulfill this need or we're inadequate to our peers. I read a beautiful article by a woman (can't remember the title or her name at the moment), but it told of how she got married in her 30's to a man that she wouldn't have found to be her "type" when she was in her 20s. How she had to overcome her self-doubt and her idea of what type of man she wanted in order to finally find the one man who would stand by her side forever. And that's the truth of it. We can't put a time, or a type, or a name to who our match will be....all we can do is make sure that we are as good of a person as possible for them when they do show up.

 

*Note: I'm going to be making a more in-depth EP mini- series about this topic specifically for teenagers. I'll reveal the release date later.





 





Cause and Effect: Parenting

Disclaimer: I'm not claiming to be a great parent. As every parent would testify, we weren't given a Handy Dandy Parenthood Manual the day our children were born. We all just try to stay afloat and manage....some just tend to flourish better at it than others. I am writing this post to emphasize my last post and what connects to the problem.

I was on the phone at two in the morning with a friend of mine talking about some personal issues when the subject of my blog came up. He and I discussed my last post on bullying and he pointed out a few good things, which led me to mentioning that I was only attempting to state the problem and provide a springboard for people to ping ideas off one another on how to reduce bullying within children. Here was one point he had to make.

Children lead by example. Most of all, they emulate the examples they see, positive or negative, through their own choices....but also these choices can only truly be influenced by parental involvement. From the lack of strong marriages and relationship values within the country as of late, many children have lost that family dynamic that provided the strong anchor for morals and values. Granted....not saying that every family had that down pat and always fixed every problem, but this mass epidemic of bullying has become a nationwide (I'm focusing on America...but this pertains too on a global scale I'm sure), issue within the past 2 decades.

Moving on from that slight tangent, parenting could be a part of the whole in helping to reduce bullying. I wrote in the bullying blog about how administrations oftentimes pretend there is no problem in order to basically keep their "stats" low so as to maintain their reputation. From what I've seen, many times the parents are the exact same way. The "it's not my kid" mentality is running rampant, and mostly it's in middle class neighborhoods that represent a majority of the population. Their children get into altercations and when it's brought to their attention, they tend to turn around and shy away from taking accountability for it. Why is this? More often than not, it is because they feel this reflects negatively back on them as a parent and, therefore, on themselves. As if by their child getting into trouble, they are now degraded as a person.

Let me bust this psychological misconception wide open. It absolutely 100% does not make you a bad parent or person to admit fault within your child's actions. It's a natural cycle of life for kids to make mistakes. They're going to get into fights, they're going to test the boundaries....explore the waters to find out what makes life....well life. The only mistake you could ever make is turn away when there is an obvious problem and ignore it for selfish reasons. That does no service to your child whatsoever, and honestly nothing for yourself either. By accepting this inevitable conclusion, not only can you understand your child more, but connect with them on a more personal basis in order to really find out what's going on.

Now you're asking yourself "Well she's written a mini-book, where's the point?" The point is this: By acknowledging there is truth in the above written statements, you'll begin to find out that you have more influence on your child then you knew. Chelsea Handler had it wrong in one of her stand up comedy sets when she said "[when you have a child], it's a 5 year commitment." From day 1 until the day you die, you'll always be giving advice and support for your child. By making a conscious effort and enforcing certain societal boundaries, you can significantly cut down on bullying. Every parent has to make a full effort, no half-assing it (excuse my language).

And therein lies a greater problem: Does every parent really even care about what their child does or is going through?
Unfortunately the answer is most likely no.
So who then can be the figurative bumpers for the uncared for?

And this is what I'll end with. I quote the old proverb that "it takes a village to raise a child." America has lost the ability to connect with each other as a real community to help each other succeed, unlike other cultures such as in Japan or China that holds the family niche as the ultimate. When did America become so complacent? In order to regain what we once were, Americans as a people need to come together and give hands up to one another...instead of handouts. Excuses are another form of handouts, and we need to quit making excuses and start working together to help our future generations to know right from wrong.

Why America Is Never Going to Solve the Issue of Bullying....Right Now

Disclaimer: Yes I know it seems like I'm going to be making a pattern of having a disclaimer at the beginning of my posts. Which....I am. I'm not apologizing for what you're about to read, but I am making a statement that I am sorry that my title is true. While many are going to see this as cynical, it's the undoubted truth that due to the fact that Utopia will never exist due to our own volatile human natures. People will always feel the need to dominate and ridicule other human beings. These human beings that are the victims are the ones I am specifically going to address later in the post with some advice.

As I mentioned above, bullying won't be resolved anytime soon.

When I was a kid (yes I know another blog piece based upon someone's own personal experience...sorry about that), I was a Marine brat. I moved around a lot and so went to a lot of different schools during my childhood years, which meant that I got to experience a lot of different cultural differences within the United States all along the East Coast. Every single time, there were always those few people that make an impression within one's psyche by their almost obsessive need to bring other people down. Elementary school in South Carolina was a girl named Lauren. Whether it was due to jealousy or her problems at home or whatever developmental theory in some psychology book deems as the reason children begin to bully, she would spread rumors behind my back or make fun of me openly in front of other children about my looks. Elementary school in Pennsylvania was a girl named Colleen. Her form of bullying took on a whole different technique. She'd simply try to out-do me in every single thing we were involved in. She'd sneer at me and probably said a few things about me, but that's based on speculation so I won't blame her for something she may or may not have done. However, I was treated like dirt because my family and I lived in apartment complexes, and most of the families in my school were on the more wealthy side of town. Even my own mother related how she experienced being treated degradingly because of the fact we were lower class.
Last, but definitely not least, was a girl named Rita in Virginia. I can honestly attest that girls can be the worst at torturing their own sex. And her bullying continued up until 9th grade when I was redistricted from one high school to another....finally able to have a somewhat normal school experience. But 9th grade seemed to be a tough one for me because not only did I have to deal with Rita and her ilk, I dealt with multiple people that found me an acceptable target. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure I was annoying as hell when I was a kid and did some things that I deserved to get yelled at about, but these specific people I had no right to be terrorized like I was. One was my best friend who made fun of me about my having no boobs. I was flat chested during my younger years....so what?! I'd actually love to be that size again...maybe my back wouldn't be killing me like it is now. This girl, however, felt the need to drag me out of my changing stall and try to flash me to the entire girl's room how I was boobless. Why? And of course when I tried to tell my P.E. teacher she didn't do anything at all and yelled at me. The same thing occurred when 2 girls chased me around school and tried to beat me up for something I never said at all about their guy friend who was mad at me for not liking him. When I tried to report it, what do you think happened? The school tried to punish me.

And this is the exact reason America will never....ever....solve the problem of bullying.
Because the administration won't even accept when someone is telling them this is happening right under their noses and the victim ends up getting punished.
Because people and schools and businesses are about....wait for it.... their REPUTATION. They are more concerned with appearing like they're perfect than coming down like an anvil and putting the fear of God (or even just establishing the basic concept of right and wrong), into these adolescences that feel they have a right to bring another person's life down around their ears. 
So many people would rather give these bullies excuses. That they are a "product of their environment" or that they don't have a "proper channel" for their anger....and this may be true. There may be children who are angry their parents are divorcing or that they got a D on a test or something of that nature, but that doesn't make it acceptable for them to act immature and vent it in a terrible way on another human being who may be going through those same problems while also dealing with bullying.
Why do we see teen suicide varying from year to year?
Why do we see divorce rates climbing to the point where 2 out of 3 marriages end?
Why do we see more school shootings?
Some of it is always going to happen due to another reason, but bullying is still invariably a huge factor.
We need to fix how people in charge react to these situations. We need to start brainstorming ideas how we can not only help the victims first, but get bullies to understand that their actions will not be tolerated at all....instead of give them excuses why it's okay. These excuses in childhood and adolescent years bleed into their adult choices, and we will see more problems within society today if we don't start accepting we're doing something wrong and find a solution NOW.

*Edited: Discussing this article with a friend of mine, she made a valid point that those who bully need positive reinforcement just as much as those that are victimized. I give her due credit. In addition to my comments before, I do believe that children that bully need just as much attention and guidance as those that suffer from it. The idea here is to help all of those involved. So another solution to this problem as well is to assist those children through teenagers that expel their anger through negative ways to complete a technique my mother taught me when I was younger. Stop, breathe, and think. Stop when you feel like just being mean, take a deep breath in and out, and then think about what you're about to do. Think how much you're going to hurt someone, and imagine if that was you. Although it may never be you and you luckily never get bullied, walk a mile in someone's moccasins and know that punishing someone else for whatever you don't like or you're upset about will never make you happy. It won't make you feel better. Turn a negative into a positive and inspire someone. Make yourself feel better about you.

Now on to the advice for the victims that I mentioned in the disclaimer.
I am truly sorry for those people who have been subjected to bullying. I am even more sorry to those who have felt no other way out but death when they felt like they had no other avenue to take from their bullying. But for those who are still here, remember that you can become stronger from this. Look at the positives of yourself when you turn the other cheek and smile in the face of your bullies. Of course you're not perfect and are making mistakes in life somewhere, but if you don't retaliate by bullying others...then you're making a good choice. You're maturing into the next stage of your life and hopefully will reach the better years when you can breathe free, because I know that feeling when every single day you're afraid to go to school or wherever bullying is happening. It's like a big knot in your chest and you feel absolutely miserable walking out your door. But every time you step over that threshold, take as deep a breath you can and look around at the beauty of the little things. Listen to music that makes you happy. Strive as hard as you can and push to be better, because it'll soon make those bullies disappear. I hope this helps, and if you ever need someone to talk to...feel free to email me and I'll answer as best as I can.

Love and connection is what makes this world a better place. So let's start here.