You and Me vs. You or Me

Disclaimer: As I thought about how to begin to write this piece, it occurred to me how upfront and almost brutal the topic was and still is to this day. Racial differences haven't calmed down throughout the years, they've just morphed with the social mentality in the various generations that this issue has been handed down from. When I attempted to peruse for some intellectual citations to include in my blog post, most of what I saw was very biased....so I'll conclude this prelude to my article and continue based upon what I have reviewed from the past few years when I've studied this topic.

 

When we're children, we inherently already know what we believe before exterior forces come into play within our conscious self. We obviously can tell who's different from us due to the plain and obvious fact that they look apart from us, but that's where the separation ends. Our straight forward innocence encourages us to form connections with other beings despite any differences in mentality, ethnicity, economic status, family relations, etcetera. It's the same with religion, extraterrestrial life, Santa Claus and the monsters under our bed.....children create an idea from raw emotion and their basis of truth. Not from a professor from Harvard or a highbrow member of Congress, or even from a pastor, but from what they see and hear and feel. Admit it, you never looked at a child of a different color and shied away just due to that fact. You played hide and seek, laughed, cried, fought with them like anyone else because they are just like you on the inside. It's only when we develop a little further and begin to listen to those that we surround ourselves with that we start to lose that capability to bond with other humans instinctively. And with that understanding, we can finally discover the culprit for the continuance of racism: our relatives. The sad truth is it is our parents and our grandparents that pass down their views when we're still psychological determining what we understand that contaminates our open-mindedness.

While the process of child development is so important, the racism displayed by the generation of those raising the upcoming adolescents feeds into the mental growth and blossoms into a continuation of racism in today's age. Anyone who believes otherwise isn't grasping the concept that psychology plays a formative role in our development as a person. We learn from those prior to us due to the fact that it's a natural phenomenon to replicate that which we have seen before. Now there are those that have overcome that hurdle, but it takes a large group of people that believe coherently in the same conviction to accomplish anything on a mass scale. When we have we have groups such as the National Black Child Development Institute stating that “we also know that on nearly every available measure, we can be confident that Black students are being taught by less qualified and less effective teachers over time [1],” then we have a lot of work ahead of us. Why you ask? When I looked for a National White Child Development Institute...you know what I found....nothing. Zilch. Why is this? Because we as a people still segregate ourselves. Hey I'll be honest, when people like Pastor Thomas Robb are stating things such as “ There is a race war against whites. But our people – my white brothers and sisters – will stay committed to a non-violent resolution. That resolution must consist of solidarity in white communities around the world. The hatred for our children and their future is growing and is being fueled every single day. Stay firm in your convictions [2],” then I have no use for single-minded Caucasians either. Orientals, Hispanics, Blacks, Whites....we all commit the same crime. We look at one trying to size one another up continuously attempting to retaliate for previous wrongs we believe the “other” has committed. We believe we're getting the short end of the stick. Which is the utmost idiotic idea when one reflects upon that life gives us all lemons one way or another.

Now I'll be rather forward about this next statement. I heartily believe that the black affirmation movement has considerably increased since President Obama has taken office and that there is a lot of “white guilt” coming into play now more than ever.

In order to adequately display my meaning, I'm going to break the two mentalities at a whole different level. In addition, I am well aware that I'm using the races as “umbrella terms” and that not all white people will believe what I claim as their perspective. The same relates to the black perspective as well. Possibly this tactic may be flawed due to the fact that my ethnicity is white, but since I have discussed this subject deeply with my colored friends who explained their points of view I'm going to attempt at a basic level.

*Note: I am not stating this to sound racist whatsoever. I am simply pointing out the very differences that juxtapose the two races against one another.

From a Caucasian's Perspective:

There is this belief that the nation (because lets face it no where else in the world other than maybe South Africa had to contend with racism as much as the United States) now has to compensate for slavery as an apology, a.k.a “white apologeticism.” I won't say that those of color have more opportunity, but I will state for a fact there are programs that are more accessible to black people than to those of white descent. If I say something to a person of color that's contradictory to what they believe, I immediately become a target to be called a racist and that I'm arrogant. They think we get better in everything, but really what I see is that an employer is more likely to hire a black person nowadays due to their color. In areas where there are a majority of black people, there is a level of animosity and hostility towards white people and often making me uncomfortable and equally hostile due to instinct. Due to black affirmation, anything that occurs to a black person automatically becomes a hate crime, even if it is justified, but the reversal of a black person hurting a white person isn't classified the same. Why?

From a Black Person's Perspective:

Not only did our ancestors endure slavery, but the humiliation of segregation afterward was denigrative and horrendous. We are people just like you, but you treated us like dogs commanding us and calling us words like the N word to make us feel like we're unintelligent. You received all the best, while we received the scraps. We're a community and we stand together stronger than ever. Even now, white people receive opportunities such as the better schools and houses and jobs. You hurry to your car when I walk down the street and make sure to let me notice that you've locked it because you think I'm going to break into your car. Why should I even try to be nice to white people when they just typify me by my color and treat me like dirt?

Of course those are just attempts at conveying the generalized statements from two sides of a story over the years. There are going to be more underlying issues that occur within those perspectives, but I tried to cover the major points of contention that both races have with the other. In simple terms, we set one another up for failure. I have been very blessed to have friendships with many colored people that I value for their ideas and their beliefs, and I find that they can be so sincere and truly zealous in life in most everything they do. Like if you've ever been to a black church, you'll walk out that door at the end of the service literally dancing and screaming to the sky because of how fired up that church gets. It's absolutely fantastic. We have so much to learn from one another....how AMAZING would it be if we could absolutely overcome racism and labeling one another to really converge as a community? I can't even imagine, but I'd love to see it happen in my lifetime.

As a final note, I'm truly asking anyone who reads this to remove their personal emotions and read it based upon the statements I wrote. I really wrote this piece because of how much this subject really means something to me. I know that racism is slowly fading in its own respect, but I still see so much of it that I felt compelled to write a post that brought some few key points to the table. Please feel free to comment and share your perspective....as long as we keep it civil and positive please!

[1] http://www.nbcdi.org/what-we-do/early-care-and-education

[2] http://www.kkk.com/

Cause and Effect: Parenting

Disclaimer: I'm not claiming to be a great parent. As every parent would testify, we weren't given a Handy Dandy Parenthood Manual the day our children were born. We all just try to stay afloat and manage....some just tend to flourish better at it than others. I am writing this post to emphasize my last post and what connects to the problem.

I was on the phone at two in the morning with a friend of mine talking about some personal issues when the subject of my blog came up. He and I discussed my last post on bullying and he pointed out a few good things, which led me to mentioning that I was only attempting to state the problem and provide a springboard for people to ping ideas off one another on how to reduce bullying within children. Here was one point he had to make.

Children lead by example. Most of all, they emulate the examples they see, positive or negative, through their own choices....but also these choices can only truly be influenced by parental involvement. From the lack of strong marriages and relationship values within the country as of late, many children have lost that family dynamic that provided the strong anchor for morals and values. Granted....not saying that every family had that down pat and always fixed every problem, but this mass epidemic of bullying has become a nationwide (I'm focusing on America...but this pertains too on a global scale I'm sure), issue within the past 2 decades.

Moving on from that slight tangent, parenting could be a part of the whole in helping to reduce bullying. I wrote in the bullying blog about how administrations oftentimes pretend there is no problem in order to basically keep their "stats" low so as to maintain their reputation. From what I've seen, many times the parents are the exact same way. The "it's not my kid" mentality is running rampant, and mostly it's in middle class neighborhoods that represent a majority of the population. Their children get into altercations and when it's brought to their attention, they tend to turn around and shy away from taking accountability for it. Why is this? More often than not, it is because they feel this reflects negatively back on them as a parent and, therefore, on themselves. As if by their child getting into trouble, they are now degraded as a person.

Let me bust this psychological misconception wide open. It absolutely 100% does not make you a bad parent or person to admit fault within your child's actions. It's a natural cycle of life for kids to make mistakes. They're going to get into fights, they're going to test the boundaries....explore the waters to find out what makes life....well life. The only mistake you could ever make is turn away when there is an obvious problem and ignore it for selfish reasons. That does no service to your child whatsoever, and honestly nothing for yourself either. By accepting this inevitable conclusion, not only can you understand your child more, but connect with them on a more personal basis in order to really find out what's going on.

Now you're asking yourself "Well she's written a mini-book, where's the point?" The point is this: By acknowledging there is truth in the above written statements, you'll begin to find out that you have more influence on your child then you knew. Chelsea Handler had it wrong in one of her stand up comedy sets when she said "[when you have a child], it's a 5 year commitment." From day 1 until the day you die, you'll always be giving advice and support for your child. By making a conscious effort and enforcing certain societal boundaries, you can significantly cut down on bullying. Every parent has to make a full effort, no half-assing it (excuse my language).

And therein lies a greater problem: Does every parent really even care about what their child does or is going through?
Unfortunately the answer is most likely no.
So who then can be the figurative bumpers for the uncared for?

And this is what I'll end with. I quote the old proverb that "it takes a village to raise a child." America has lost the ability to connect with each other as a real community to help each other succeed, unlike other cultures such as in Japan or China that holds the family niche as the ultimate. When did America become so complacent? In order to regain what we once were, Americans as a people need to come together and give hands up to one another...instead of handouts. Excuses are another form of handouts, and we need to quit making excuses and start working together to help our future generations to know right from wrong.

Why America Is Never Going to Solve the Issue of Bullying....Right Now

Disclaimer: Yes I know it seems like I'm going to be making a pattern of having a disclaimer at the beginning of my posts. Which....I am. I'm not apologizing for what you're about to read, but I am making a statement that I am sorry that my title is true. While many are going to see this as cynical, it's the undoubted truth that due to the fact that Utopia will never exist due to our own volatile human natures. People will always feel the need to dominate and ridicule other human beings. These human beings that are the victims are the ones I am specifically going to address later in the post with some advice.

As I mentioned above, bullying won't be resolved anytime soon.

When I was a kid (yes I know another blog piece based upon someone's own personal experience...sorry about that), I was a Marine brat. I moved around a lot and so went to a lot of different schools during my childhood years, which meant that I got to experience a lot of different cultural differences within the United States all along the East Coast. Every single time, there were always those few people that make an impression within one's psyche by their almost obsessive need to bring other people down. Elementary school in South Carolina was a girl named Lauren. Whether it was due to jealousy or her problems at home or whatever developmental theory in some psychology book deems as the reason children begin to bully, she would spread rumors behind my back or make fun of me openly in front of other children about my looks. Elementary school in Pennsylvania was a girl named Colleen. Her form of bullying took on a whole different technique. She'd simply try to out-do me in every single thing we were involved in. She'd sneer at me and probably said a few things about me, but that's based on speculation so I won't blame her for something she may or may not have done. However, I was treated like dirt because my family and I lived in apartment complexes, and most of the families in my school were on the more wealthy side of town. Even my own mother related how she experienced being treated degradingly because of the fact we were lower class.
Last, but definitely not least, was a girl named Rita in Virginia. I can honestly attest that girls can be the worst at torturing their own sex. And her bullying continued up until 9th grade when I was redistricted from one high school to another....finally able to have a somewhat normal school experience. But 9th grade seemed to be a tough one for me because not only did I have to deal with Rita and her ilk, I dealt with multiple people that found me an acceptable target. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure I was annoying as hell when I was a kid and did some things that I deserved to get yelled at about, but these specific people I had no right to be terrorized like I was. One was my best friend who made fun of me about my having no boobs. I was flat chested during my younger years....so what?! I'd actually love to be that size again...maybe my back wouldn't be killing me like it is now. This girl, however, felt the need to drag me out of my changing stall and try to flash me to the entire girl's room how I was boobless. Why? And of course when I tried to tell my P.E. teacher she didn't do anything at all and yelled at me. The same thing occurred when 2 girls chased me around school and tried to beat me up for something I never said at all about their guy friend who was mad at me for not liking him. When I tried to report it, what do you think happened? The school tried to punish me.

And this is the exact reason America will never....ever....solve the problem of bullying.
Because the administration won't even accept when someone is telling them this is happening right under their noses and the victim ends up getting punished.
Because people and schools and businesses are about....wait for it.... their REPUTATION. They are more concerned with appearing like they're perfect than coming down like an anvil and putting the fear of God (or even just establishing the basic concept of right and wrong), into these adolescences that feel they have a right to bring another person's life down around their ears. 
So many people would rather give these bullies excuses. That they are a "product of their environment" or that they don't have a "proper channel" for their anger....and this may be true. There may be children who are angry their parents are divorcing or that they got a D on a test or something of that nature, but that doesn't make it acceptable for them to act immature and vent it in a terrible way on another human being who may be going through those same problems while also dealing with bullying.
Why do we see teen suicide varying from year to year?
Why do we see divorce rates climbing to the point where 2 out of 3 marriages end?
Why do we see more school shootings?
Some of it is always going to happen due to another reason, but bullying is still invariably a huge factor.
We need to fix how people in charge react to these situations. We need to start brainstorming ideas how we can not only help the victims first, but get bullies to understand that their actions will not be tolerated at all....instead of give them excuses why it's okay. These excuses in childhood and adolescent years bleed into their adult choices, and we will see more problems within society today if we don't start accepting we're doing something wrong and find a solution NOW.

*Edited: Discussing this article with a friend of mine, she made a valid point that those who bully need positive reinforcement just as much as those that are victimized. I give her due credit. In addition to my comments before, I do believe that children that bully need just as much attention and guidance as those that suffer from it. The idea here is to help all of those involved. So another solution to this problem as well is to assist those children through teenagers that expel their anger through negative ways to complete a technique my mother taught me when I was younger. Stop, breathe, and think. Stop when you feel like just being mean, take a deep breath in and out, and then think about what you're about to do. Think how much you're going to hurt someone, and imagine if that was you. Although it may never be you and you luckily never get bullied, walk a mile in someone's moccasins and know that punishing someone else for whatever you don't like or you're upset about will never make you happy. It won't make you feel better. Turn a negative into a positive and inspire someone. Make yourself feel better about you.

Now on to the advice for the victims that I mentioned in the disclaimer.
I am truly sorry for those people who have been subjected to bullying. I am even more sorry to those who have felt no other way out but death when they felt like they had no other avenue to take from their bullying. But for those who are still here, remember that you can become stronger from this. Look at the positives of yourself when you turn the other cheek and smile in the face of your bullies. Of course you're not perfect and are making mistakes in life somewhere, but if you don't retaliate by bullying others...then you're making a good choice. You're maturing into the next stage of your life and hopefully will reach the better years when you can breathe free, because I know that feeling when every single day you're afraid to go to school or wherever bullying is happening. It's like a big knot in your chest and you feel absolutely miserable walking out your door. But every time you step over that threshold, take as deep a breath you can and look around at the beauty of the little things. Listen to music that makes you happy. Strive as hard as you can and push to be better, because it'll soon make those bullies disappear. I hope this helps, and if you ever need someone to talk to...feel free to email me and I'll answer as best as I can.

Love and connection is what makes this world a better place. So let's start here.